| (no subject) |
[Nov. 30th, 2009|09:10 pm] |
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Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going is knowing i'll die one day. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 18th, 2009|08:25 pm] |
Life plan.
1.get degree in social work
2.get entry level job in social work field.
3.start to pay off student debt.
4.acquire more student debt by getting masters and/or phd in social work.
5.start my life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2009|08:10 pm] |
Unhappy, unhappy, veeeeeeeery unhappy.
Why does life keep changing? Why cant it stay stationary for just once?
I love mom, i really do, but she NEEDS to stop controlling my life. I know what I'm doing and if I mess up, its on me, not on her.
She always unintentionally patronizes me. I don't need that shit. I don't know if its just because she wasnt really "all there" when i was growing up or what, but she needs to stop treating me like i'm 10.
I wont burn myself on the stove or fall down the stairs if you dont warn me every time.
No wonder I have so much anxiety, I have a childhood full of her telling me to fear everything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2009|11:35 am] |
I feel like a little kid in the worst sort of way.
Kathleen, don't do anything to make Mary Theresa upset, she's a mommy now. The stork brought her a baby and she needs time to get alllll better before she can come out and play with you.
All these adults treating me like I'm 5 again. I'm not the baby in this situation, for once.
Kathleen, don't phone mary theresa, she has her own family now, you'd be intruding on their family time. She doesn't need you right now.
Which is true, but all these people keep thinking they have to tell me because SURELY I wouldn't know.
Kathleen, the placenta is just a power-cord to connect baby to mommy.
Yes, thanks. I know what a placenta is, that's why I'm making the grossed-out face. I'm not retarded. I might not have kids, but I'm not 4, you don't have to talk to me like I have no idea what anything is. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2009|10:38 pm] |
When I was seventeen
I drank some very good beer.
I drank some very good beer that I purchased
with a fake ID.
My name was Brain McGee.
I stayed up listening to Queen.
When I was seventeen. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2009|03:56 pm] |
ok. so. honest to god. funniest and most soul crushing dad moment of life.
Like i dont have to listen to him praise stephen enough.
I'm watching criminal minds, my FAVORITE show of life. Dad comes home. He sits down and watches it with me. Dr. Spencer Reid, my secret geek-chic character crush is talking about himself and says
"i dont believe intelligence can be quantified, but i do have an IQ of 187, an eidetic memory and can read 20,000 words a minute......so yes, i'm a genius"
and dad looks at me in shock and says
"WOW!!! that's even smarter than Stephen!"
I laughed. It sounded so made up, like when i think of some ridiculous over exaggeration to tell people how crazy my dad is. But this really happened.
hmmm... thanks dad. now i'll think of stephen's big ol brains and my inferiority complex every time i see him. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 8th, 2009|03:06 pm] |
I'm so so so mad at myself right now. SO mad at myself. When the fuck will i learn?? Now i'm going to have to pray to god i get this job and I STILL wont have enough money to last the two weeks til i get paid. I am so angry at myself.
I am such a failure, even fucking superstore doesnt want me to work for them. I should have done this forever ago, i hate waiting i feel so useless and depressed. and now I've made a stupid lame ass decision and lost 100 bucks because i didnt have the balls to say no.
FUCK I HATE MYSELF! |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2009|03:52 pm] |
I'm writing here because if i dont i never will and my thoughts will slip away before i can catch them again.
Agitated. I'm on the verge of yelling and snapping at everyone, but I want to cry and hide at the same time.
I don't want to see people but i get angry when i'm alone. I want to talk all the time, but i get angry because people are talking to me.
I feel depressed. But not stay at home locked in my room staring at the ceiling depressed. Functioning depressed. I have all this pent up energy, much more than usual. I cant stop pacing and bouncing my feet. My thoughts go every which way and none of them are really concrete.
I feel hopeless and irritatable. I don't want to move this weekend because i would much rather lie down somewhere and not get up, but i dont want to be here anymore.
I feel agitated and depressed at the same time. I could cry and laugh at the same time.
I've been bouncing between these all week. I had an exam on monday. I didnt study. I was apathetic and agitated all at once. I dont even remember what i wrote. I got drunk on the weekend instead. I didn't care. I was impulsive and didnt care about the consiquences, i just wanted to be impulsive.
I think i'm going crazy. I can't control these feelings. I don't feel any anxiety right now because i'm too full of other feelings.
I have never felt like this before and its not even an "I"m freaking out because i'm moving" sort of thing, it's an "i thought i was just getting depressed again but then my mind exploded." I'm not even sure whats going on or how to feel. Time passes but I dont notice. I have to move out on saturday and i havent been able to focus enough to get it all packed away. I want to do nothing and everything all at once.
I yelled at mary theresa yesterday because she was helping me with my taxes. I was almost crying and yelling at once because i didnt know where to sign my name.
FML. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 8th, 2009|08:02 pm] |
Maybe its just cuz i'm sick or whatever, but i am so bitchy right now.
MTV IS THE WORST CHANNEL EVER!!! EVERYONE ON THERE IS STUPID AND SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 27th, 2009|11:08 am] |
FMFL!!!
I have a stupid debate today in class. We're supposed to have it memorized. I do not have it memorized. I'm shitting bricks. I'm so fucking nervous. I hate this. I can't wait til today at 230. It will all be over then. I'll have a drink to mourn or celeebrate. Shit I'm nervous.
I'm debating against the loudest most opinionated confident person. I'm hoping that no matter what I say, they're vote for me just because they hate her.
I hope i hope i hope.
Fuck my life. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2009|01:01 pm] |
I hope she doesnt expect me to babysit.
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 12th, 2009|12:59 pm] |
sometimes life comes at you fast. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 5th, 2009|01:12 am] |
I am drunk a lunk!
Not so drunk that i'll be hungover, but drunk enough that i'm open about it.
Dont even know man. What the hell am i doing with my life? i'm such a mess. but i dont have class tomorrow, and i dont have any assignment due, so i'm free to get drunk, but i still feel like a slob.
It's hard to tell how drunk i am when i'm all by myself.
I just feel numb and a little tingley.
I feel so out of place, but at the same time i feel right where i should be. but only some of the times. its a little awkward.
I dont even know man. I just dont know. I feel like all of the close friends i've ever had have left. I should stop making friends, it only leads to pain. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|12:14 pm] |
Well here we are again. I can't help but feel so far behind the world. I don't have a stable address, I haven't done my taxes and I have no idea what I'm doing next year. What if this summer is just so disappointing after last? What if things have changed too much? I feel like everyone is growing up and getting a life, having a family and moving on, and I'm just standing still.
I feel like I'm such a failure right now. I've been moving around so much, I dont know what I'm doing. I've gone to a different school every year for so long now. What am I going to do with my life? When mary theresa has that baby everything will be different. everything is already changing. I cant stand it. It's like everything is going too fast and I'm stuck in slow motion. Sometimes I get so upset about the future that I can't even leave my room. I can't think about life, or I feel like my cheast will explode.
I don't have much that's constant in my life, and now everything I thought I could count on is just disappearing.
I wish I had a time machine. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 23rd, 2008|10:24 am] |
I got my test back yesterday, I haven't looked at my mark yet. Every time I think about it I get vomity. I've been feeling fairly upset tummy for the past few days. I'm fine when I don't think about things, but everything except hiding in my room listening to music seems to make me feel like puking.
I can't even watch the Beatle's movies without getting a terrible feeling. Like I've missed something, or I'm going to be late for something. I feel so out of touch with reality lately. The three days a week that I leave my room are terrible. I go to class feeling awkward and out of place, if a teacher calls on me for something, I automatically assume it's bad.
I can't wait to feel normal again. I know this feeling will pass, it always does.
His new girlfriend's facebook status was "this is the best thing that's ever happened to me, I need to see his eyes!!"
It was so cheesy that I wanted to punch everyone. Yeah lady, I felt that way too, until he sticks his damn face where it doesnt belong and all you can see are those smug-ass eyes looking up at you. That feeling never lasts long.
THere's so much important stuff I need to do, but I'm terrified that sometime awful will happen when I try to get it done. I'd rather know I'm going to be disappointed than get my hopes up and find out I'm in trouble for some reason.
I need to clean my room, it's embarrassing. if MT comes over and sees this, she'll be pissed.
Yesterday I read my textbook for deviance, and it was all about fat people. Stats prove that people would rather get a divorce or die a year early than be fat. Kids on the playground find them most repulsive and a quarter of all nurses and school teachers are "repulsed" by fat people.
The whole class was just judgement piled on top of judgement.
I think I'm going to go bat-shit crazy. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2008|02:31 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Remember me- josh groban | ] |
Detached. Essay due tomorrow, but do I care. Not really....it's english, and I'll whip it together tonight.
Shouldn't procrastinate so much. Anxiety and apathy have doubled lately. Judgement scares me so much that I don't want to talk to anyone, I dont want anyone to see me. I don't want to disappoint anyone.
I hide myself in my room for days, and lately going to class has made my heart rate skyrocket.
I don't have my license because i'm afraid to get in an accident and kill someone, or be sued.
I hate being me sometimes. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 18th, 2008|12:35 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  listless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hello Goodbye | ] |
So I've decided to post a little note saying who this Susan is when she's at home.
That test killed me. If i pass it I will be so shocked that I will vomit all over my desk, which I've been nervous enough to do lately.
Been feeling antsy lately, stayed up til 3 because I scared myself with creepy internet sites and couldn't stop picturing dead bodies, mine in particular. Read til I passed out and slept with the lights on.
Dreamt that I was on a sinking ship Titanic-esque. I saw lots of faces I knew, but in the end everyone left me to go to their family or other friends. I got trapped in the basement and the water was rising. I kept screaming for help, and a shark was in the water. Lots of floating bodies, and sharks were attacking. Then I woke up and ate some pizza.
Feeling particularly out of sorts lately. Like, you know when you're hearing someone, and it sounds like they're talking in slow motion, but you know they're not. It's like your brain slows everything down for a few minutes, and everything seems kind of awkward and weird til it goes back to normal.
When I read something beatlesesque, I've started to feel the same nervous anxious feeling I felt when I first watched their movies. I can't explain it, I guess I've just been so busy with school that now I have time to be beatley again and it's like it's all new again.
This weekend will be lazyman time for me. My brain had a powersurge after the week for hell and now it needs to reboot. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 3rd, 2007|04:21 am] |
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Why the hell would he do that? Spend all night making fun of me in front of friends then, when i go to talk to him, spend an hour in silence watching him clean his room and pile my things at his door. Why not just kick me the fuck out?? He even took my Sour Cream out of his fridge and put it there by the door. What a cunt. I can't stand this any more. Just dump me or love me. Don't screw me around. |
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| Going to Europe |
[May. 7th, 2007|10:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pessimistic | ] |
So, I'll be in England next Friday and I can't help but notice I'm a fat fuck. Now, I know what you're thinking. Kathleen, why does it matter that you're a fat fuck in Europe if you're happy being a fat fuck in Canada. Well that's the thing. Somehow traveling some where else, introducing myself to people from the other side of the world as my fat fuck self seems wrong. Like...they'll look at the program and remember me as the fat girl. I dont want that. I just wish I could stop eating for a few days to lose some poundage. Damn my fat self!! |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 3rd, 2006|02:14 pm] |
fuuuuuuuck, i dont like it here
i havent been this unhappy since i lived in lashburn, and i was unnnnhappy there. people make me sick. i hate them
everyone is fake and stupid and makes me want to vomit. i dont like it. if i never see people again i'll die happy |
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in_the_shadows0's journal
melancholy